Familial Issues
by Kurai Minoru
Summary: "We're one fucked up family." "Language Daiki, language." "Are you still spewing off about that father crap?" "Would you like your mother and I to consummate our marriage right now in front of your eyes?"


Familial Issues

**AN:** I JUST COULDN'T RESIST. I don't think this story is completely finished (I'll most likely be making edits later), but once I found out that today was Midorima's birthday, I just had to get this out! Happy Birthday, Midorima-kun! HAPI BASUDAI!

Inspired by another picture on Facebook.

**Warnings:** Potentially OOC! Characters. Crack. Meant to be taken with a pinch of salt. And with safety scissors and a lucky frog for full effect.

Enjoy? xD

* * *

Practice had always been exhausting, but today just took the cake. Akashi had been in an unusually good mood as he went around terrorizing the second and third string players. The coach had blatantly ignored the tense silence present in most of the players and rebuked them to keep doing their drills with a meaningful glance towards the banner on the wall, "Hundred Victories" emblazoned proudly on the cloth. The other strings shouted an affirmation and training resumed three times harsher than before. Aomine collapsed on the ground. Damn was he tired. A quiet sipping noise by his ear drew his attention and he groaned when he saw Kuroko drinking his water.

"Tetsu…"

Kuroko glanced sideways at him from under his fluffy white towel and promptly ignored Aomine.

"Tetsu…"

Aomine even threw in a pleading tone and puppy eyes, but hell would freeze over before he would grovel on his knees before his shadow.

"This whole incident could be avoided if you brought your own water, Aomine-kun."

"Yeah well, I overslept this morning."

"Wouldn't that still be your problem then?"

Kuroko tacitly pointed out. Aomine pouted.

"Teeeetsssssuuuuu~"

Unaware to the bickering partners, the rest of the starters of the first-string were watching them from the next bench over.

"Ah, Aominecchi's making puppy eyes at Kurokocchi!"

"…They're kind of like a quarreling couple, aren't they?"

Midorima's observation drew the two's attention towards the group.

"We are not a couple!"

Aomine barked out, his face flushed red. Whether from embarrassment or from practice was a mystery in itself.

"Kuroko's not denying it."

Kuroko drew breath to rebuke Midorima's claim but Murasakibara cut him to the chase.

"No, that's not how they would act as a couple, Midorimacchin. Kurokocchin would be more like 'Come get it yourself~' and Aominecchin would be like 'Oh yes I will~ Just watch me~' and Kurokocchin would then respond 'Would you like me to feed it to you~'"

Murasakibara stated matter-of-factly. His teammates stared at him, speechless. And yet he continued to ramble on in a monologue roleplaying both Kuroko and Aomine in a nasally, high-pitched voice when speaking their dialogue.

"Cause you know, Aominecchin's a tsundere, the kind that pretends to be tough but is really loving and weak towards his wife on the inside while Kurokocchin is the wife with an iron fist who handles the useless husband."

Silence reigned for a total of ten seconds before Kise burst out laughing.

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Aominecchi's a tsundere! That explains everything!"

"O-o-o-o-oi! I am NOT a tsundere! And what's with this misconception you have of us, Murasakibara!"

Chaos ran rampant until Akashi cleared his throat, looking thoughtful all the while.

"I would say they're more like siblings."

Even though everyone's gaze was on him, Akashi continued undeterred.

"Tetsuya is the middle child who puts up with Daiki, the eldest son's misbehaviors."

Aomine, already scarred by being called a tsundere, opened his mouth to argue, but Kise butt in.

"Then what am I?"

He wailed, pointing a finger at himself.

"Ryouta is the younger middle child who fights over Tetsuya with Daiki."

Kise sat back satisfied until Aomine felt necessary to add in.

"You act like a spoiled brat anyways."

And thus another one-sided fight broke out between the two with Kise whining and Aomine yelling at him. Akashi ignored the two; it's not like he puts up with more on a daily basis. Seeing Murasakibara's dejected look, he continues to add to their little family.

"Atsushi's the baby of the house, sleeping or eating most of the time."

Kise, noticing something was off, recounted the figures in his head and cried out.

"Then Akashicchi, what are you and Midorimacchi?"

What Akashi said with a completely _deadpan _expression sent shivers running down Aomine's spine.

"Why, we're the mother and father after all."

Midorima said nothing; Aomine desperately hoped that he was shocked speechless and not because he was going along with their little family roleplay.

"I already put up with more on a day-to-day basis, so I'm obviously the father of this group."

The long, slow smile that Akashi had on his face did nothing to dispel the shivers running up their spines.

"We're one fucked up family."

"Language Daiki, _language._"

The gentle chiding tone that Akashi had taken sent shivers up his spine.

"Are you still spewing off about that father crap?"

"Would you like your mother and I to consummate our marriage right now in front of your eyes?"

Akashi threatened. Aomine paled.

"I would think not."

Midorima looked scandalized. Aomine let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding; it seems like he wasn't the only one against this family roleplay Akashi had inflicted on them.

"Not in front of the children!"

Only to suck that breath right back in.

* * *

To be Continued? We'll see.

The lines in the summary just inspired this all. Humor me and drop a review. xD I feel I butchered their characters a little though. Ah well. It was well worth it.

**Edit: **7/12/2012- fixed a few typos.**  
**


End file.
